I'm stealing these words from another blogger because what she says is how I feel but I can't quite grasp it and explain it to others....After 6 losses and 1 failed IVF I'm really done.
At times I've thought (and feared that others think this, too): "What is wrong with me? Why don't I have enough desire to keep going?" I mean, every parent I know says that their children are their greatest joys. And yet, every moment of that IVF I felt like "The Ten Year Pursuit" has just gone on too long and it just hasn't felt right to live my life like that anymore. I have felt angry that after all of this, I have to now face not having the desire any more (and all that that entails.)
I need to re-invent my life and start from scratch. I don't necessarily want to. I don't have the energy for it. Up until now, my whole life has been geared towards "one day having a child." I took certain jobs and did things based on the idea that one day, I would be a mother.
Well, in the beginning, I started out just going through the motions of this new chapter as I wasn't feeling so excited about change. But as I've gone through the motions, more excitement and motivation has come.
From A Blog About Love. See more of Mara's writing...http://www.ablogaboutlove.com/2014/03/what-ive-been-doing-to-heal.html#more
The problem is that I feel all of this but my partner doesn't..whomp whomp. I'm so ready to move and experience new things and find joy again. And I have done that and I"m excited about starting a new journey.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
New Direction: Loss
Life isn't fair. Death isn't fair. Dealing with both in the same month? Definitely not fair. I'm writing tonight because I need to get these feelings out. This is so old nobody reads this anymore. I'm not sure anybody ever did. But I will read it again and again. And maybe one day I'll share it so another doesn't feel so alone.
Yet again we lost another baby. And yet again we don't talk about it. Not to family not to friends not to each other really. Heck I can't even say it to myself. I just "got sick" again. Those precious days when you have hope again and you just know all those little tweaks (a big ones too) are gonna finally be the difference. The weird pills you put places you shouldn't have to in a dirty restaurant bathroom because you have to stay on schedule but you want to live your life, all the bagels and pasta you crave and all the bunless burgers you eat to avoid gluten, the cocktail that baby aspirin and horse size vitamins mix in your stomach and make you sick in the morning. It was worth it and looking back so easy to do now that you have a reward. You let yourself believe that after 5 years your time has arrived. Those days are so good. And they make the next days even more difficult. The alcohol you stop drinking and everyone takes notice and nobody believes your antibiotic story and your little happy smile don't help your lie either. But you don't tell because you have been down this road before and untelling is so cruel.
And then sadly all your hopes are dashed and you are so angry. You used to hurt and cry and feel sad. By the 5th loss and we won't even include the failed IVF cycle and $6000 blown right before your birthday, you aren't sad anymore. You are angry. So mad. Yet nobody gets it. You look for things to be mad about that might make more rational sense (for anyone that had to listen to my epic Verizon landline phone rant I'm sorry). Your relationship suffers because their dreams are fading too. You want to punch the realtor in the face when he asks you if you have kids and extolls the kid friendly features of every neighborhood you look in. But the worst is that you automatically say NO to protect your heart but deep down that No hurts and makes you angry because you do know you have babies. 5 of them but you just can't share that with everyone. But you want to share, you are dying to share, for days after the exchange you imagine what you should have said and if it makes people uncomfortable, fuck them. Yet you stay silent.
It almost becomes embarrassing. Like we are stupid for keeping trying. And when you call the OB office to schedule bloodwork, and the doctor just sighs before telling you to pick up the lab sheet ( I need to get a new doctor after that exchange). You agree not to tell anybody because you are both embarrassed that you are still trying and you feel dumb with all your hope. But at least now, I don't have to untell anyone. That is the one saving grace of this experience but it is tearing too. Untelling is hard but then now it is like it never happened and this part of your life never happened. The grief and anger you are feeling aren't real to anyone else. And the joy wasn't either. I think that is the hardest part is that the joy wasn't real to anyone. Not even to us since deep down we knew it wasn't gonna work. It never does.
Yet again we lost another baby. And yet again we don't talk about it. Not to family not to friends not to each other really. Heck I can't even say it to myself. I just "got sick" again. Those precious days when you have hope again and you just know all those little tweaks (a big ones too) are gonna finally be the difference. The weird pills you put places you shouldn't have to in a dirty restaurant bathroom because you have to stay on schedule but you want to live your life, all the bagels and pasta you crave and all the bunless burgers you eat to avoid gluten, the cocktail that baby aspirin and horse size vitamins mix in your stomach and make you sick in the morning. It was worth it and looking back so easy to do now that you have a reward. You let yourself believe that after 5 years your time has arrived. Those days are so good. And they make the next days even more difficult. The alcohol you stop drinking and everyone takes notice and nobody believes your antibiotic story and your little happy smile don't help your lie either. But you don't tell because you have been down this road before and untelling is so cruel.
And then sadly all your hopes are dashed and you are so angry. You used to hurt and cry and feel sad. By the 5th loss and we won't even include the failed IVF cycle and $6000 blown right before your birthday, you aren't sad anymore. You are angry. So mad. Yet nobody gets it. You look for things to be mad about that might make more rational sense (for anyone that had to listen to my epic Verizon landline phone rant I'm sorry). Your relationship suffers because their dreams are fading too. You want to punch the realtor in the face when he asks you if you have kids and extolls the kid friendly features of every neighborhood you look in. But the worst is that you automatically say NO to protect your heart but deep down that No hurts and makes you angry because you do know you have babies. 5 of them but you just can't share that with everyone. But you want to share, you are dying to share, for days after the exchange you imagine what you should have said and if it makes people uncomfortable, fuck them. Yet you stay silent.
It almost becomes embarrassing. Like we are stupid for keeping trying. And when you call the OB office to schedule bloodwork, and the doctor just sighs before telling you to pick up the lab sheet ( I need to get a new doctor after that exchange). You agree not to tell anybody because you are both embarrassed that you are still trying and you feel dumb with all your hope. But at least now, I don't have to untell anyone. That is the one saving grace of this experience but it is tearing too. Untelling is hard but then now it is like it never happened and this part of your life never happened. The grief and anger you are feeling aren't real to anyone else. And the joy wasn't either. I think that is the hardest part is that the joy wasn't real to anyone. Not even to us since deep down we knew it wasn't gonna work. It never does.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
OMG we have countertops!!!
The post title says it all! Our kitchen is now about 90% complete. Just plumbing hookup and exhaust fan and adding the toe kick and deco strips. Sorry about the Iphone pics being a little blurry.
I need to clean them up and let the caulk dry to a clear color, but I'm so excited!! Its amazing to have countertops after more than 6 months.
Ironfest 2011
We have a 9 game season ticket package to the local Single A baseball team, Cal Ripken's Ironbirds. They open up the stadium 1 time a year and we get to walk around the field and dugouts and clubhouses. It was a fun day!
Standing under the board.
Getting ready to make a call to the bullpen!
Taking an important call in the outfield :)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Other going ons.
I turned in my CSA payment for Rousedale Farms- a local organic farm with chickens and eggs too so we can have fruits and veggies all summer starting in May.
And I got my Zoya vegan all natural nail polish! I love my new colors plus they were BOGO!!!!
And I got my Zoya vegan all natural nail polish! I love my new colors plus they were BOGO!!!!
Updates galore!
So since I got my new Iphone I've been lazy updating this blog since I can post directly to Facebook but I figured its time to update. We have come a long way and are close to being done. We just need to assemble the lazy susan and add 2 more cover panels and then we are ready for the granite countertops and getting our sink and plumbing and dishwasher back yay!!!! Some pics!~
Black Pearl Granite
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Cabinet update
For those still following this long haul reno, we have all our base cabinets built and some are installed. Ikea really does like their instructions. The corner base cab came with an instruction manual with like 35 pages and not a single word, just pictures. Seriously bless the husband since I could never have built that thing haha.
We also had to do a little plumbing work since we had to cut and reinstall the water lines to be able to put the base cabinet for the sink in place. Fingers crossed, no leaks yet though it did involve working til midnight on Monday and 2 trips to the Home Depot.
Some pics of the process and a first look at the cabinet color with the floors. Amazing and I'm in love! I have more fun pics but they are somehow stored on my camera and not the memory card :(
We also had to do a little plumbing work since we had to cut and reinstall the water lines to be able to put the base cabinet for the sink in place. Fingers crossed, no leaks yet though it did involve working til midnight on Monday and 2 trips to the Home Depot.
Some pics of the process and a first look at the cabinet color with the floors. Amazing and I'm in love! I have more fun pics but they are somehow stored on my camera and not the memory card :(
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)